The Balance Unhinged
by Sim Master
Summary: The thrilling saga continues! Our heroes finally begin their road trip to the Thief convention in Las Vegas! Chapter 8 is up! Please RR!
1. Pandora's Thin Paper Envelope of Doom

Obsession can be a terrible, terrible thing. For the victim, that is. For someone not possessed or scared by the madness it can be terribly hilarious. Fortunately, I am such a person. It is because of my immunity that I can relate the following tale, a tale of why some people shouldn't play Thief. Let us begin.

It was a dark and stormy night. No, really. Three lethargic adolescents lounged on mismatched pieces of furniture in the dusty confines of Dante's basement. Dante, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, mumbled, "Y'know what, guys? This sucks like a vacuum."

His companions indicated their agreement through their muteness. Above them, shrieks and thumping footsteps radiated through the ceiling. Harsh noise comprised of loud chatter and hysterical laughter fell on their ears, but they had not the energy to plug their auditory input devices and block out the debris.

Allow me to explain. Roughly a bazillion of Dante's relations were visiting his parents' house, including his irritating-as-red-ants-in-your-underwear cousins. This annual celebration of potato salad, board games, and all night chat sessions had haunted poor Dante his entire life. So this year, the last year at the homestead, he was determined that it would be different. He had invited over his two best friends, Kenta and Saori, to suffer through the agony with him.

After all, what good are friends who won't suffer through your pain for you?

The three had promptly retreated to the basement and locked themselves in. Fifteen minutes later, our heroes had stopped their futile attempts at making interesting conversation. Boredom gnawed on their minds with the voracity of beavers at a tree-eating festival.

Kenta propped himself up on his elbows. "There must be _something_ we can do," he said, always the optimist. He cast his eyes about the room. They were in the center of the quasi-finished basement, surrounded by end tables and miscellaneous exercise equipment. In one corner was a freezer full of ice cream sandwiches and popsicles. Another corner housed the entrance to a bathroom. A computer was set up on a desk against the wall, buried underneath papers and miscellaneous CDs. A big screen TV, beautiful but broken, collected dust by a rack of DVDs. The furnace and water heater were on the far side of the basement, away from everything but the stairs.

"No…it's hopeless," Dante said in the melodramatic voice of a soap opera star. "What a way to spend a Friday."

Saori pried herself off the couch. "We could play ping-pong." 

"With three people?" Kenta pointed out.

"You don't have to play."

"It doesn't matter," Dante said with a dejected sigh. "We lost all the balls. And the paddles. And the table legs."

"How about foosball?"

"Nope."

"Air hockey?"

"Uh-uh."

"What about—"

"No."

Saori threw the closest inanimate object she could find, which happened to be a pillow, directly at Dante's head. Dante, still slightly comatose, got a good whomp in the face. "Mumph!" is an approximate translation of his muffled cry.

"Count yourself lucky, buddy. I have half a mind to kick your arse."

Dante, having been rudely parted from his stupor, countered with, "Do you French kiss your boyfriend with that mouth?"

Kenta knew better than to interfere. He didn't have a death wish. With this in mind, he got out of the way as his mature counterparts began a pillow fight of epic proportions. He browsed through the rack of DVDs, ran a mile on the treadmill, took a tour of the bathroom, and ate a popsicle (it was cherry) before his friends had worn each other out and collapsed on the berber carpet. Licking his sticky fingers, he wandered over to the computer desk.

Dante gasped for breath. "Need…oxygen…"

"That'll…teach you…" Saori panted.

"Wait…I feel a second wind coming on…"

And they were at it again. Kenta rolled his eyes. He never would have taken the dueling duo as seniors in high school if he hadn't known otherwise. He turned his attention to the desk. The papers, wrinkled with age and stained with circles of coffee, held no interest for him. He picked up a stack of CDs in thin paper envelopes. Most of them were technical, but one caught his eye. He raised his voice. "Hey Dante, what's this?"

Dante released Saori from his headlock. "What's what?"

"This CD, Thief." He held it out to him.

Dante, looking quizzically, took the CD. "Thief…doesn't ring a bell. Oh wait, we got this awhile ago. It was bundled with some other software."

"Is it fun?"

"Dunno. Never played it."

Kenta clapped his hands together. He had a giant grin on his face. "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found ourselves something to do!"

"Oh joy. A bundled game. Must be some quality." Saori rolled her eyes.

Dante gave her a strange smile. "You could always leave, you know."

"Are you insane? I'm not going up there with your crazy cousins around. I suppose I'll indulge your little game."

"Hallelujah, she has _seen_ the light!" he exclaimed in an exaggerated revival-preacher voice.

"Just start it up," she said, glaring.

"Hold yo hosses, missy. It's gotta be installed first."

She crossed her arms. "But there's no way it can be as good as Jedi Knight II," she declared firmly.

The install was finished five minutes later. The three gathered chairs and crowded around the monitor. Kenta was in the middle, with Dante on his left and Saori on his right. He started the game, the move that would change their lives forever and a day.

It had begun.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Reviews, criticism, and suggestions for future chapters are always welcome. Flames will be used to toast marshmallows or destroy incriminating documents, depending on whether I'm feeling a bit famished or running from the FBI.

If these characters scare you, you ought to know that they're based on me…

Grudgingly, I give credit for the title to Sioned136. Grrrrrr that I must have others write titles for me.

^__^


	2. That Hissing is Probably not a Good Sign

The intro movie disturbed Kenta. The shadowy figure stalking the town and killing unscrupulously was a menace to society. The devil-like fiend with the eye in the center of his (its?) head was creepy. The haunting music made his skin crawl.

Saori, on the other hand, was captivated. The master thief sneaking around and dispensing with his enemies was always one step ahead of the law. That devil guy with the eyeball was wicked (the good kind of wicked, apparently). And the music…truly, "cool" was the most appropriate adjective.

Dante liked the thief's attitude. And he thought that the last part of the theme song sounded like it should come from a subway. He made this decision despite the fact that he had never in his life been in a subway and had absolutely no idea what one sounded like. And that devil's tail was pretty funny, twitching like that of a cat warming itself in a ray of sunlight.

Can we all agree that his mind worked in strange and mysterious ways?

After the movie introducing them to Garrett, our heroes found themselves in the Keeper's compound. Kenta patiently waited through the Keeper's speech before insisting that they memorize all the controls. "We have to do this _right_," he said. Twenty minutes later found him pressing various keys and saying things like, "Oh, _this_ is crouch" and "How do you lean, again?"

Saori was yelling withering insults in his ear and demanding that they just play the game. "All the _best_ gamers have intuition about controls. _You_ don't."

Dante removed his head from where it had been buried in his hands. "Are we going to play or are we going to argue? Look, we can split them up. I'll handle the weapons and the inventory. You do the movement, Kenta, and Saori, you get the mouse." To his surprise and relief, they agreed.

Things progressed just a bit more smoothly from there. Saori had to restrain herself from wrenching the keyboard from Kenta when he took ten minutes to cross the training room without making noise.

They did learn that Saori was a crack shot with a bow. Of course, Dante kept switching weapons while she was aiming, just because it amused him. That stopped rather quickly after she pulled his chair out from under him and threatened to beat him over the head with it.

They finished the training level with as little violence as was humanly possible (for these particular humans, anyway).

Another argument ensued when they tried to decide which difficulty level to play for the first level. Saori argued (vehemently, of course) that they should play it on expert. Kenta, not an experienced gamer, voted for the easy option. Dante just wanted to play, dammit. Finally, it was Saori's control over the mouse and repeated vows of vengeance if she didn't get her way that decided the matter. They would play on expert.

They found themselves on a cobbled street in the middle of the night. "What's that eerie music?" Kenta asked.

Saori leaned closer to the speakers. "I hear voices."

Dante grinned. "She's hearing voices again. Get the straitjacket."

"They're coming from the building, you simpering idiot!"

Dante leaned closer to Kenta. "I'm glad the flames spewing from her mouth are only figurative," he whispered.

"I heard that!"

Kenta turned the volume up. "Let's go say hello," he suggested.

She fought the urge to slap him. "Whaddya think this is, a chat room? We're a _thief_."

"That is not proper English."

Dante laughed. "Bear festival…that's priceless."

"Where's my sword?" Saori asked.

"Couldn't we try a diplomatic approach?"

"No, Kenta. Just no."

Kenta pressed the arrow keys. "Then let's go this way instead," he said, making Garrett walk to the left of the building.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"There's no need for confrontation."

"Check the map."

"But—"

"Do it now!"

"Okay, okay. Um…what key is it?"

Saori leaned over and pressed it for him. "Look, moron, it's a dead end."

"Oopsie."

"Bring us about. Lieutenant, ready a photon torpedo."

Dante brought out the broadhead arrows. "Aye, Captain," he said with a grin, playing along with her Star Trek fantasy.

"Crouch and lean so we can see inside," she said as they approached the doorway. By some combination of luck and…more luck, Kenta pressed the right keys.

Dante looked over at her. "Um…you're not planning on taking all of them out at once, are you?"

"I wish I had my lightsaber," she mumbled. "And Force Lightning."

Kenta cleared his throat. "Perhaps stealth would be a wiser approach."

"Well, seeing as how I'm stuck with these primitive weapons…but you _will_ go faster than a crawl."

"An acceptable course of action."

A minute or two later, they saw a servant come around a corner. "Ah, the first kill of the night," Saori said, drawing back the bow.

Dante switched to the blackjack before she could shoot. "Uh-uh-uh. No killing, remember?"

Bloodlust caught Saori. She hijacked the keyboard, switched to the sword, and pounced on the defenseless servant, landing a quick blow to his head. "Thank you," the servant said before collapsing.

Dante burst out laughing. "He…thanked…you," he said, wiping tears from his eyes.

"That's slightly disturbing," Kenta said. A giant skull appeared on the screen. "Well done. What part of 'no killing' did you not comprehend?"

"I'm okay now. Let's try it again."

This time, Kenta tried to strike up a conversation with the guards at the front door. To make a long story short, Garrett ended up becoming a human pincushion, courtesy of the archer.

"I told you," Saori remarked matter-of-factly.

I have an idea. Let's try _not_ getting killed," Dante said.

"You think?!"

"Every so often," he said, grinning.

"A guard's coming!" Kenta shrieked. While his friends had been talking, he had restarted the level and had almost made it to the back entrance of the manor. Then a guard had turned the corner, carrying a sword and humming a tune. In Kenta's panic, he had neglected to hide Garrett in the shadows.

His cry snapped the others to attention. "Quick! Get out of the way!" Dante said.

"I need a weapon!" Saori said at the same time.

But it was too late. The guard had them. It was all over.

"Hey, how's it goin'?" the guard asked as he passed by casually.

The three players sat in stunned silence for a moment.

"My goodness. He didn't kill us."

"He must pay for his insolence!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

I think I'll let you guess who said what.

Anyway, they made it into the water-filled tunnel beneath the manor. The spiders in the cave frightened Kenta so badly that he had to cover his eyes. He had Dante cover his ears for him. "Too much hissing," he moaned. Then he nearly had a heart attack when they entered the manor and heard Garrett's voice materialize without warning.

Saori gave him a Look. "I don't think you should play this."

Kenta struggled to return his heartbeat to normal levels. "I'm…just…fine," he squeaked.

Neither of his companions believed him.

Just as he mustered up the courage to put his fingers back on the keyboard, a loud knock resonated through the basement. He jumped. "What was that?"

"Dante, get up here!" a thin voice called.

Dante stood up. "I have to go say good-bye to my relatives. They're going to the hotel for the night." He rolled his eyes. "Too bad they'll be back tomorrow."

"We'll be back as well," Saori said.

"Then I'll be front."

"An idiot, that's what you'll be."

"I'm not sure," Kenta said, frowning. "This game seems awfully violent."

"Oh please. Grow up already."

"Then again," he said, ignoring her completely, "perhaps it will improve. Yes, I'll come here tomorrow."

So ended their first encounter with Thief. Unaware that their lives were already tainted, that the descent into chaos had begun, that resistance was futile, they parted ways.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Once again, feedback is welcome.

I have big plans for these three…they each get to go crazy in their own special way. Y'know, there's a reason Thief is rated M for mature. It's a bad, bad game…just look at what it's doing to my poor, innocent characters (except for Saori, who's not innocent at all…keep her away from explosives).

^__^


	3. Strip Poker is for Zombies, not Garrett

Dante had wanted to start earlier. Awake at 10 a.m., he inhaled a bowl of cold macaroni & cheese and a strip of beef jerky (great breakfast, huh?). Then he invited Kenta over. He called Saori's house, but she was still asleep. One hour passed, then two. Then five. Saori was _still_ asleep.

"You might think she would make an exception. She did want to play this game," Kenta said.

"What, Saori get up in the daytime? Blasphemy!" Dante said, wagging his finger. "But I expect we'll see her in half an hour or so."

His prediction held true, and the three soon reconvened in the basement. They sat in the same places as the day before.

Kenta put the CD into the drive. Nothing happened.

"I'll do it, incompetent one," Saori said. She opened My Computer, found the CD drive, and double clicked on the Thief icon.

A message appeared: You have 0M of free disk space. Thief requires 35M. Thief cannot run.

"What the fudge?" Dante said.

"It would appear that we have not adequate disk space," Kenta said.

"Gee, thanks. I can read, you know. But why isn't it working today?"

"What did you _do_ to it after we left?" Saori asked.

"Nothing!" His voice was high-pitched.

"You squeal like a little girl."

"That I do."

"Which can partially be explained by the presence of your hands around his neck," Kenta said.

"Oh mighty computer guru, I axed you a question," Dante said.

"I'll axe _you_ if you keep acting like a moron," Saori said.

Kenta had been thinking about the problem. "Perhaps something was corrupted. We could try reinstalling it."

And they did. It seemed to work; the game started flawlessly.

"Aw, $@*#! We lost the saved game," Saori said.

"It is of no concern," Kenta said. "We had not made significant progress."

Which was true. But it wasn't such a good idea to remind the game-obsessed Saori of that fact. She vented her anger by flinging an abandoned coffee mug into a wall, shattering it into ceramic confetti.

"She must be in a good mood," Dante whispered to Kenta, "otherwise that would have been one of us."

"I heard that!" 

"Heh heh. Nice Saori…"

"Play now!"

"Yes ma'am…um, sir?"

A rumbling growl came from Saori's throat.

"It is advisable that you desist this antagonistic course of action," Kenta said.

"Methinks you have a point."

They resumed playing in an unorganized fashion. Far from a coordinated team were our intrepid heroes. Saori was, as usual, at the forefront of the catastrophes that befell them. The instinct that served her well in her other games—slay everything that moved—was, to say the least, not so successful here. They had to restart the level on the easy setting to accommodate her death-fetish.

Death was what they got, all right. It was, alas, Garrett's death. Several times. Or maybe it was more like a dozen times. After one of these encounters, Dante said to Saori, "Just an idea, but this might be easier if you weren't trying to butcher five guards all at once. With the blackjack. With your eyes closed." He received a glare and a casual slap upside the head for his insubordination.

Kenta said, "If either of you possess any aspirations whatsoever of success concerning this leisurely activity, I counsel the immediate termination of this irrelevant feuding."

"Ah, the voice of wisdom," Dante said. "I humble myself before you, logic-master."

"Why can't you talk like a normal person?" Saori asked.

Kenta didn't answer; he had acquired a sudden fascination with his fingernails.

And that was just Saori's contribution to the madness. Dante and Kenta were far from experts in the learning-which-keys-do-what department. For example, Dante kept getting the arrows mixed up. They soon learned that water arrows, while blue and shiny, were far from lethal weapons. Instead of impaling, they would give guards a well-needed bath. Dante's reaction to such accidents was to say, "Mmm…shiny," with that dopey expression of his.

Kenta discovered that the enemy AI was unreliable at best. Jumping around the manor with a guard in hot pursuit (following one of the aforementioned water arrow incidents), he had accidentally fallen into the pool. The guard abruptly and completely lost sight of Garrett, eventually abandoning the chase. The same freak blindness occurred when he made Garrett jump onto a table. "Remarkable," he said, watching the guard look right at Garrett and fail to see him.

"Stupid AI," Saori said.

"My sentiments exactly," Dante said, amused. Only Saori could be upset by the artificial intelligence of a drunken guard in a bundled computer game.

"How dare you share my sentiments? Get your own freakin' sentiments!"

"Um…'kay."

And so on and so forth. Two hours after they began, they were almost halfway through the level. Still the first level, mind you.

The game raged on to midnight without a break. The torturous and zombie-riddled second level was at hand. The house was utterly silent, making the haunting music even more pervading. Their faces were bathed in the light from the monitor, giving their skin an unnatural white glow. The thin carpet could not keep their feet from numbing, yet they played on. They might not have had talent, but, gosh darn it, they had stamina.

Two of them did, anyway. Kenta was curled up into a ball on the sofa, fast asleep. It was just as well; he wasn't very partial to zombies. Saori had pounced on the opportunity to assume his maneuvering responsibilities.

"He looks like a big kitty when he's sleeping," Dante said. "Meow."

"You're sick," Saori said, dispatching a horde of the undead.

"It was just an observation."

"Why do you even think about things like that?"

"I get weird when it's past my bedtime."

"You still have a bedtime? How old are you now, five?"

"I actually like to sleep during the night, unlike _some_ people I know. Not all of us can live on vampire time."

"Weakling. Get out the holy water."

"All out, boss."

Saori analyzed their position. Garrett was surrounded by an assortment of zombies and rabid spiders. They were out of arrows and, now, holy water. "Hmm. That's bad."

"Nomination for Understatement of the Year, anyone?"

"Shut up, I'm trying to think!"

"If we set our phasers to frag—"

"It's run like hell time!" she said, and proceeded to fling Garrett through the underground levels in a haphazard fashion, leaving the rotting corpses to their strip poker or whatever it was that zombies did in their spare time.

By the time they finished the level, Dante was struggling to keep his eyes open, and even Queen of the Night Saori felt the tug of fatigue. A slight tug. A tug with the strength of a dead chipmunk. The temperature had dropped sharply, their skin acquiring the chill only possible from hours in a basement or five minutes naked in the Arctic. Dante opened the big freezer to thaw himself out a bit. When his teeth stopped chattering he turned around to see Saori stretching out on one of the unoccupied couches. "Um, what are you doing?"

"If I sleep here it saves on travel time. I won't have to walk over here tomorrow."

"Yeah, you live all of a block away. Aren't you even going to turn the computer off?"

"You do it, slave."

"Okay, but only cuz you asked me nicely."

Saori was asleep by the time he collapsed on a polyester loveseat. A second later, so was he.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Many thanksies for the reviewsies, fellow manfools.

Chapter 4 may be slow in coming, because I have humor block. I'm writing about donuts, but they're not funny donuts, dang it. The story is spiraling into a pit of gravity (seriousness) by a force as inexorable as…um, gravity (force causing weight). See? That last sentence is exactly what I'm talking about. Pity the poor author (that's me, folks) and Sioned136 (the poor author's humor beta).

I'm a big _Star Trek_ fan, in case you couldn't tell by all the allusions. Because I have nothing better to do, I will now identify who belongs to what species. Kenta is Vulcan, Saori may be a Klingon, and Dante is…uhhh, Ferengi. I don't know, leave me alone!

-__-


	4. Saori the Sentry Slayer with Sword

As Dante slowly came into consciousness, the first thing he noticed was the heavy sweetness in the air. He sat up, his skin peeling off the plastic loveseat. Through his bleary gaze he saw Saori on the computer. On the coffee table was a large box of doughnuts. Sitting on the floor next to the table was Kenta, munching contentedly on a cruller.

Kenta looked up and licked a layer of sticky sugar from his lips. "Ah, you're awake."

"What time is it?" Dante mumbled.

Kenta checked his watch. "Almost noon. Welcome back to the world of the living."

Dante froze. Saori stopped typing. They stared at Kenta with wide eyes.

Kenta, feeling like an earthworm in a dissecting tray, inspected his doughnut.

"Do you know what you just _did_?" Saori asked.

Kenta took a bite of his doughnut.

Dante laughed. "You actually said something without using sophistimicated language!"

Kenta gnawed on his doughnut.

Saori joined the boys around the coffee table. "Awww, you hurt his _feelings_," she said as patronizingly as possible.

Dante reached for a jelly doughnut.

"Mine! Touch it and die!" she growled.

Dante yanked his hand back, as if a poisonous snake had been coiled inside the doughnut box.

She grabbed said doughnut and stroked it protectively. "You are not worthy of the sugary goodness. Anyway, it's about time you finished your regeneration cycle. We need to get back to the game."

"Yes, Master."

"And don't you forget it. Come now." They resumed their places around the computer. Saori, who had managed to consume the doughnut in three gargantuan bites, went through My Computer to start the game.

A message appeared: You have 0M of free disk space. Thief requires 35M. Thief cannot run.

"Uh oh," Dante said.

Kenta slid out of his chair and underneath the desk.

Saori drew in a deep, ragged breath before unleashing a stream of expletives capable of shriveling flowers and killing small mammals.

"Well, that was not _so_ terrible," Kenta said from beneath the desk.

"She's just coming up for air," Dante said.

Sure enough, Saori continued her tirade a moment later. She stopped only after exhausting every possible curse in the dictionary.

Dante closed the copy of _War and Peace_ that he had pulled from who knows where. "Are you done yet?"

"I'm fairly certain she fabricated some of those words," Kenta said.

Saori pounded on the keyboard. "How dare you disobey me?" she yelled at the computer.

"I don't think it can hear you," Dante said.

"Someone please inform me when it is no longer hazardous to emerge," Kenta said.

That time came after Saori reinstalled the game. "Get up here already," she commanded. Kenta, quivering slightly, obeyed.

Lo and behold, the saved game was gone again. The boys looked at Saori, expecting another flood of curses that would make a sailor proud. She glared at them. "What do you want from me? I'm only @%&* human! How many ^#~+ swear words do you think I know?!"

"When you keep making them up like that, about a million," Dante said. "And counting."

Saori had already turned her laser-like focus to the game. "We're doing this MY way this time. Sword!"

"Well, I'm scared. Kenta?"

"Utterly terrified."

"I will not let you beat me," Saori said, her eyes narrowed into slits. "I will NOT. Do you hear me?!"

"Great," Dante said. "Now she's _talking_ to the voices. Just when you thought she couldn't get any nuttier—"

"Silence, pathetic mortal! Now, to the front gate!"

"Uh, it's kinda heavily guarded…"

"Irrelevant! Kenta, go now!"

Kenta looked to Dante for advice.

Dante heard Saori's teeth grinding. "Um, better do what she says…that is, if you value your manhood. Hel-lo!"

Kenta would have paled if his natural skin tone hadn't already been deathly white.

Saori grabbed the keyboard and started beating furiously on it. "Never mind! Just stay out of my way!"

"I roger that," Kenta said in a shaking voice.

Kenta's response made the Princess of Darkness twitch in the middle of a fight with the guards at the front door, resulting in Garrett's untimely death. Growling faintly, she started the level anew.

"Dude, what's with you lately?" Dante asked Kenta. "You're freakin' me out, man!"

A rosy hue invaded Kenta's ivory cheeks. "Well, you see…for the past few weeks I have been endeavoring to attain a better grasp of conversational English."

"Okay, first of all, nobody in their right mind would say 'endeavoring.' "

"His or her."

"What?"

"Die, bastards! Die! Ah ha ha ha!" Saori yelled.

"It should have been like this: 'nobody in his or her right mind,' " Kenta said.

"And stop correcting grammar!" Dante said, exasperated.

Saori chuckled. "Most excellent." She had slaughtered everyone at the front door.

Dante shook his head. "You only killed that guy once. I think you're slippin'."

"Slipp_ing_," Kenta corrected. "Proper enunciation ensures comprehension."

"NO, *#%@!"

Saori nodded. "Not bad, not bad. You're still a rank amateur compared to me, but…"

Dante hugged himself. "Aw, now I feel all warm inside."

"My goodness," Kenta said.

"And no more 'my goodnesses,' " Dante said. "It's more like son of a—"

"Regard the monitor, if you will."

Dante looked. Saori had finished the level. In less than two minutes. Dante stared. "Wow. _You_ wear the pants!"

Saori leaped out of her chair and onto the desk. She began to do a victory dance.

Dante jumped up. "Let's moonwalk! Ow! Ow! Carpetburn!"

Kenta covered his eyes, certain that there was something horribly inappropriate about all of this.

"And now," Saori said as she struck a triumphant pose, "it's time for the second level!" A smile crept onto her face. Soon her shoulders were shaking, her torso was quivering, and her eyes were gleaming. Unable to contain it, she let out a full-blown demonic cackle. "Second level, ho!" she yelled and jumped off the desk.

Dante and Kenta shared this thought: _We are trapped in a basement with a demon. Someone please kill us. Preferably not the demon._

Little did Kenta know that beings more horrible than Saori waited for him…the undead.

Dante knew, but he forgot. He was stupid like that.

* * *

Author's Notes:

My sense of humor is back, oh yeah!

This chapter had almost nothing to do with the story, yet the dialogue was so beautiful…I feel like holding hands and singing "Kumbayah." Anyone else care to join me? I sure hope so, because the last time they found me holding hands with myself and singing, I had to go see the nice doctor for some medication.

I changed my mind…my characters are not like me. Not at all. No. No, I tell you! Except for that victory dance on top of the desk thing…

O__O


	5. The Thrilling World of Paperclips

Armageddon was upon them. They could see the portal opening to the maw of chaos and expected slow and painful dismemberment (that's unlike pleasant dismemberment, you know) to come at any moment. It was time to go to school.

"I don't wannnnnnaaaaa goooo!" Dante wailed.

Saori pulled on his arm. "MUST WE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY FREAKIN' DAY?!!"

Kenta stood in the corner, dutifully ignoring them. He massaged a bruise on his chest.

They had spent the better part of Sunday night with their new obsession. Cue the flashback.

"Why is the room spinning like that?" Dante asked.

Begin flashback.

They had started the second level, and Kenta looked fearful. "Query: what is that dreadful moaning?" he asked, voice shaking.

Saori, caught in the throes of evil, could do nothing more than cackle maniacally.

Enter the zombie.

"OH MY SWEET JESUS!" Kenta shrieked. He froze, his eyes bulging halfway out of their sockets and his hands morphed into grotesque claws.

"Uh-oh, I think he's dead," Dante said. He made imaginary defibrillators with his fists. "Clear!" he yelled, punching Kenta in the chest.

Kenta, gasping and sweating, clutched his chest. "I—you—what?"

End flashback.

"I hesitate to interrupt, but we will be tardy if we delay any longer," Kenta said, maintaining eye contact with the wall.

With one final yank Saori managed to pull Dante from his hiding spot underneath the couch. "There!" she said, panting, hands on her knees. She straightened, assuming a superhero (or is that supervillain?) pose. "Ha ha! You are nothing compared to me! Bow down before my ultimate superiority!"

Dante gulped. "On second thought, I do want to leave now!" He grabbed Kenta by the hand and pulled him out the door.

Saori stopped her evil-overlord laughter when she realized she was alone in Dante's living room. "Hey, you will wait for me!" she yelled, flying out the door.

The bell for first period rang as the trio ran through the halls of the high school. "Shoot! We're late!" Saori said, carefully avoiding words that would land her in detention. "This is all your fault, you idiot!"

Dante had a crafty smile on his face. "Don't worry, I've got a foolproof plan." He strode gallantly into the classroom, the other two following him.

Ms. Maro, the English teacher, looked at them expectantly. "So you finally decided to join us, I take it?"

Dante cleared his throat. "You see," he began earnestly, "we were saving an infant from a burning building using nothing but a pencil and a pair of underpants."

"Dante, I didn't believe you the first time you tried that excuse."

"But you believe me this time, right?"

"Um, no."

Dante snapped his fingers. "Walnuts! I knew I should have said it was aliens!"

The three sat down in their usual seats, Saori behind Dante and Kenta to Dante's right.

"Here are your _Hamlet_ tests," Maro said, rustling a stack of papers. "Most were pretty good, but some of you disappointed me. And just for reference," she said, glancing at Dante, "the main character in _Hamlet_ is _not_ Othello. Oh, why do I even bother?"

Dante turned, giving Saori a sharp look. When she opened her mouth to laugh, Dante was half-expecting—no, fully expecting—to see a pair of fangs. (A/N: That's some wicked metanoia, ho ho! Woo! All these narrative devices are making me dizzy.) "But you said—"

"Try reading it yourself next time," she said, shrugging.

Maro gave them their tests.

Saori jabbed Dante in the back with her pencil. "_I_ got an A. What did _you_ get, Othello?"

Dante flipped his paper over. "Humph. You're a meanie."

"Boo hoo. Go cry me a river."

Next to them, Kenta briefly admired his A+ before hiding the paper from their view.

"Now that _that's_ over," the teacher said, "we begin the exciting world of review for the Advanced Placement exam!"

The class groaned in unison…except for Kenta, who was quietly fiddling with some paper clips. There was something about them that was just so curved…and silver…and bendy.

"The first section entails close reading of several passages, followed by multiple choice questions. I'll give you a handout of the narrative devices you'll need to know. You should try not to spend too much time on any one question…"

Dante blinked slowly. It was sooo boring. He felt his head start to nod. He jerked it back up, blinking. He had to stay awake. Maro had never given anyone a detention before, but if she were to give one it would be for him. He had to focus. His mind ran through a list of fun things to think about, finally settling on Thief. _Garrett, Keepers, swords. I only wish real life was this interesting_…_wait, I think I'm getting a light bulb here_…_I'll pretend I'm Garrett! Hee hee._ He waved his pencil around. _Fear my mighty sword! Swish swish, goes the sword. The wheels on the bus go—no! Mustn't get sidetracked. Okay. I live in the City. I am a master thief. Hey, thieves don't go to school! Hmm_…_but Garrett went to the Keeper's Compound! Oh, but I am good._

"Dante!" the teacher said, making her student jump. "Well?" She narrowed her eyes.

__

Uh-oh, Spaghettios. She asked me something. About the test, probably. Hmm…_Advanced Placement_…_AP_…_ape_…_Planet of the Apes_…_Statue of Liberty_…_torch_…_fire_…_glow_…_rhymes with—_ "No."

Maro blinked. "Right, you shouldn't guess. You lose 1/4 of a point for every wrong answer. And here I thought you weren't listening."

"Heh heh," he chuckled weakly.

Saori was also thinking about Thief, but she had the presence of mind to not stare dreamily into space like Dante the Airhead. She was running the levels through her gamer's mind, plotting the most efficient course.

Kenta always stared dreamily into space, so Maro paid him no heed.

After precisely 42 minutes of relentless _torture_ (that's French for torture!), the prisoners—er, students—were set free to roam the halls.

A rogue elbow hit Saori in the side. A skinny, terrified freshman stepped on her foot. Shoulders rigid, Saori grabbed the little freshman by the collar. She brought his trembling face close to her own. "You wanna get out of my way?" she breathed with more power than if she had shouted.

"Eee," the freshman squeaked.

Dante looked around, nervous. "Come on now, don't kill the little one. Not in public, anyway."

Saori set the dizzy, half-fainting boy on his way, and everything would have been fine, if not for the football player and cheerleader tongue-wrestling right in front of her. She tightened her grip on a chunk of concrete that she had been carrying around for no good reason, crumbling it into dust.

Dante covered Kenta's eyes. "Don't watch, this won't be pretty."

Saori sucked in a breath through clenched teeth. She let it back out in a hiss. She tapped the two offenders on the shoulder and smiled at them benevolently. "Get the HELL out of my way, dickheads! The LAST thing I want to see is you two swapping spit! Get a freakin' room!"

The two lovebirds stared at her, not comprehending.

"Hello?! Stop the PDA's ere I take my sword to you!"

Kenta tugged on Dante's sleeve. "What is a PDA, if you please?"

"A Personal Digital Assistant."

"Ah."

The couple threw Saori a few weird looks before retreating.

Saori relaxed. She turned, flashing her teeth at Dante and Kenta. "Victory is mine!"

"Hurrah," Dante said.

"You possess an interesting method of persuasion," Kenta noted.

"I have cleared the way. Now, to second period," Saori said.

"But I wanna go hoooommmmme," Dante cried pitifully.

A vein in Saori's forehead started throbbing.

Kenta sighed.

There were eight periods left.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Metanoia: qualifies a statement by recalling it (or part of it) and expressing it in a better, milder, or stronger way.

If any of you have seen the _Star Trek: Voyager_ episode "Doctor Tinker Tenor Spy," you'll know what's going to happen to Dante. [insert evil laughter]

Advanced Placement tests, as Dante would say, suck like a vacuum. Ah, the joy of torturing characters. They deserve it.

I have a limited time offer: review and I'll give you a chunk of concrete and a paperclip. Mmm…paperclip…I dunno, I got nothin'.

Ø__Ø


	6. The Realm of Udder Evil

A few periods later our heroes want to computer class. It was Dante's favorite class, for as he often said, "Paper is not made for writing on! Paper is made for wiping asscracks!"

Right…anyway, everyone was supposed to be working on the assignment. Kenta, like the timid sheep that he was, was dutifully working away. Saori and Dante, like the bad-@$$ punks that they were, were instead surfing the internet and instant messaging each other.

Randomosity (Dante): i tink we shoudl brring in theif dan play it duting thi sclass

Katana (Saori): dare you to do it!

Randomosity: umm.....nevar mind

Katana: WEENIE!

Randomosity: :'(

Randomosity: looku maked me cry

Katana: :) my work here is done

Randomosity: sooo....whatcha doin/?

Katana: looking for thief cheats

Randomosity: mmm....chaets.......

Katana: go away, i'm busy

And Dante did go away. For a while. Only knowing that he didn't want to do work, he wandered aimlessly around the internet, looking for anything exciting about Thief. And boy did he find something.

Randomosity: omg i fownd teh best thimg evar!!1!

Katana: what the hell do you want now?

Randomosity: theres thi sthief site w/alll this mews an shtuff amit taslk abuot dis cunnvension in los vegges!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!11111 isnt taht so sweeeeet??????

Katana: fer chrissakes, i can't dundersntand anything youd jsut said/!!! fsck, now you geot me doin it!!

Very carefully, Dante typed: I am at a site with much Thief news, and it talks about a convention in Las Vegas. A _Thief_ convention. In VEGAS!

Katana: when?

Randomosity: SPRING BREAK WOOOOO!!!11!!!

Katana: we are going. period. get kenta, wouldja?

Dante threw erasers at Kenta until Kenta turned around. Dante mimed instant messaging (how, I don't know) until Kenta got the point.

Kenta (Kenta): Hello.

Katana: what an original screen name.....

Kenta: Have you two already finished the assignment? You must be efficient workers.

Katana: forget it, would you! dante, tell him

Randomosity: ROAD TRIP WOOOOOT!

Kenta: I beg your pardon?

Katana: we're going to a thief convention during spring break

Randomosity: its in VEGAS, baby, YEAH!

Kenta: I was unaware Thief had a sufficient following to warrant a fan convention.

Randomosity: live is fun ny that whay

Katana: and you're going too, so......

Randomosity: pack yo bags, crickee1!

Kenta: I will ask my parents for permission. During what days does the convention take place?

Randomosity: looking

Randomosity: teh fryday and wekend rite be4 break ends

Katana: good, it'll take us most of the week just to drive out there

I should mention that our heroes lived in an obscure part of Ohio.

Randomosity: ROAD TRIP!!

Katana: we get it, shut up

Kenta: Very well. That sounds like it could be a pleasurable excursion. I will make arrangements for accommodations.

The conversation continued, Kenta and Saori making plans and Dante periodically interjecting "ROAD TRIP, WOO!" With all the excitement in the air, Kenta was the only one of the three to get the work done.

***

A few more periods later, during archaeology class, our intrepid heroes were sitting at a table along with one of those so-called "normal kids." The teacher, Mr. Yukaguro, was giving them instruction sheets on their next project. "As you can see," he said, "everyone at your table will be working together to invent a new civilization. Each person will be responsible for a certain aspect of the culture. One person will focus on religion, another on language, another on government…"

Our heroes, of course, weren't paying any attention at all to what he was saying. What Yukaguro said next, though, snapped them from their stupor. "This assignment will be due the Monday after spring break."

Dante's work-avoidance system kicked into gear. "But I can't do work over spring break!"

"You don't do work anyway," Saori said under her breath.

Mr. Yukaguro frowned. He didn't have Ms. Maro's sense of humor. Or patience. "Do what you like, but know this: you will be graded as a _team_. If one of you does not do the work, all of you will pay the price."

"Can I switch tables?" the "normal" kid, Jim, asked.

"No. You have the rest of the week to start working, so get busy." He went back to his desk, the cue for everyone to start talking (and working…theoretically).

Saori angrily drummed her fingers on the table. "This sucks!" she said.

"Like a black hole," Dante chimed in.

"Shut up."

"Shutting up."

"The situation is not hopeless," Kenta said. "We do have a total of two weeks to complete our objectives."

"But one of the weeks is SPRING BREAK!" Dante wailed. "Why me?" he cried, hugging Saori's arm.

"Because you deserve it," Saori said, peeling his hands off her arm. "And don't touch me."

Normal Guy Jim, with a healthy (and understandable) amount of amazement, watched them interact. He tapped his pen on the table. "So, uh, what should the basis for the civilization be?"

"Who the hell are you?" Saori asked, noticing he was there for the first time.

"I'm Nor—er, Jim."

"Hello, Jim. Shut up, Jim."

"The curvature of this paperclip is fascinating," Kenta said.

"This is too much friggin' work," Saori said, glaring at the offending assignment sheet. "Let's just copy stuff from something else."

Dante, for reasons unbeknownst to everyone, was humming the Ewok celebration song from the end of _Return of the Jedi_. "Hey, let's make a _Star Wars_ civilization! Or _Star Trek_!"

"Yeah, but isn't it supposed to be an original culture?" poor, normal Jim asked.

Saori stroked her chin thoughtfully. "We need a more obscure model," she said, "or Yukaguro will know about it…bastard."

(A/N: In case you haven't yet figured it out—and please tell me that you have—they decided to model their civilization after Thief. Why? Because this is a Thief story. And because I say so. The latter reason is, naturally, way more important than the former. Fear my Mighty Powers of Narration!)

"Thief? What's Thief?" a bemused Jim asked.

"In accordance with my observations thus far, I have deduced that—" Kenta began.

"Ohit'sthisreallycoolgamewithzombiesandswordsandathiefofcourseandlotsofguardsthatchaseyouandiftheycatchyoutheyhackyouupintolittlepiecesbutwehaven'tfinishedthegameyetbecausewekeepgettingerrorssoIdon'tknowwhattherestislikebutI'llletyouknowifyouwantafterwedoormaybeyoucouldjustbuythegameyourselfbecauseIthinkyou'dlikeitandit'sreallysweet!" Dante speed-rapped before collapsing, tongue hanging out like that of a dog left in the sun too long.

Jim didn't know quite what to make of that. "Okay…" he said slowly. "But I don't know anything about that. Why don't we just make up our own society?"

Kenta shook his head. "Saori has decided what we are to do. To argue would be an exercise in futility."

"Indeed," Saori said, glaring and snapping a mechanical pencil into tiny pieces.

"You're gonna listen to what she says?" Jim said. "She's nuts!"

The incident that followed has been omitted by the Powers that Be for graphic violence, strong language, and maybe some nudity. In any case, the outcome was inevitable: Saori, Dante, Kenta, and Normal Guy Jim got their arses dragged out of the classroom by Mr. Yukaguro. Now they sat on a bench in front of the principal's office, nervously twiddling their thumbs and waiting for a summons to enter the Realm of Utter Evil (that's different from the Realm of Udder Evil, which is some kind of hell for cows).

Kenta looked at the others. "I currently possess a sense of unease."

"Maybe it's the 'Abandon hope, all ye who enter here!' sign above the door," Dante said.

"I see no such sign."

"Never mind."

Minutes passed. No one spoke. Dante could feel the pressure building from the silence. His heartbeat seemed painfully loud. He fidgeted. _How can they just sit there?_ he wondered. _The boringness_…_it's too much!_ It felt like his heart was pounding in his ears. Thud-THUMP, thud-THUMP. His palms were sweating. _I have to break the silence! Say something! Anything!_ Thud-THUMP, thud-THUMP. _My mouth's not working! Someone help me! Wait, they can't hear me. Or CAN they?! No. Ee-oo-ee-oo-waaaaa!!! Oh, maybe I should OPEN my mouth. That could help. Yes it could. Why won't anyone talk?? They're trying to drive me insane! It's not just paranoia this time! I_…_must_…_break_…_silence! Here I go!_ He opened his mouth, still unsure of what to say. _Say something say something say something SAY SOMETHING!_ "I'm gay with myself." _Whoa, that wasn't what I was expecting._

Saori had been leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. "We knew it all along," she said without moving so much as an eyelid.

Jim held up his hands. "Hey, that's a little too much information there, buddy!"

Kenta, lost in the mystical world of paperclips and fluffy bunnies, hadn't heard Dante's announcement. He continued to play with his office supplies in ignorant bliss.

Dante relaxed, now that the monotony had been vanquished. _All hands, this is the captain. The warp core breach has been successfully averted. Everyone report to the mess hall. Drinks are on the house! Or maybe I should say they're on the STARSHIP! Ahahahahaha! Oh, I crack myself up._

"This is all your fault, you know," Jim said to Saori.

That was the wrong thing to say. As Saori started to get up to go rip Jim's head off, Dante pulled on her arm. He waved a hand in front of her face. "You WILL sit down now."

Saori slapped his hand away. "Fool! Your mind tricks will not work on me!" But she sat back down, exhausted from the previous battle.

At that moment, the door to the office creaked open. Harsh, white light blinded them. "ENTER!" a voice boomed.

Eyes squinting and legs trembling, they obeyed.

Principal Rasark, a tall, thin man dressed entirely in black leather, sat in the throne behind his desk. "Sit down," he said in a voice way too deep for his slight frame. After they complied he said, "Now tell me what happened."

Dante spoke before the others could. "The dry-erase markers were making us hallucinate, not to mention—"

"I want the TRUTH!" Rasark said in his Darth Vader voice.

"You can't HANDLE—" Dante began before one look from Rasark assured him that the principal could indeed handle the truth. "Uh…I plead the fifth?"

"You don't pick things up easily, do you?"

"I really should lift with my knees, not my back."

"It's all _her_ fault," Jim said, pointing at Saori. "She attacked me for no reason!"

Saori whipped her head toward him, hair flying. "WHAT! Dost thou prate, rogue?!" She lunged at him, going for the jugular.

Rasark was forced to separate them. He sat back down, frowning severely. "I will not tolerate insubordination, young lady. You will be serving a three-day in-school suspension starting tomorrow."

Saori was shooting daggers at the principal with her eyes. Her nails dug into the armrests until they tore the upholstery. She whispered death threats under her breath.

Rasark ignored her. "Jim and Dante, you will both serve three after-school detentions. As for you, Kenta, I'm not quite sure why you're even here."

"Guilt by association!" Dante said.

Rasark shrugged. "That's good enough for me. Three detentions for you, too. Now all of you, get out of my sight! You make me sick!"

The four left the office, the principal's sadistic laughter still ringing in their ears. At least our heroes had the convention to look forward to…

* * *

Author's Notes:

Note to self: have Dante take typing lessons…

Fun fact: Rasark's name rearranged is Karras. Oh, the humanity!

You've probably noticed already, but I really like the phrase "intrepid heroes." I don't know why…

¬__¬


	7. The Squirrels are Out There

That evening they regrouped in Dante's basement, only to be greeted by the sound of small feet skittering across the floor.

Saori narrowed her eyes. "What was that?"

Kenta looked around, nervously wringing his hands.

Dante turned pale. "Red alert! All hands to battlestations!" he cried, running around hysterically. He handed Saori a loaded crossbow and continued his mad frenzy around the basement.

Kenta turned to Saori. "Care to hazard a guess?"

Saori shook her head. "I've got a better idea." She tripped Dante and pointed the crossbow at his head. "What's with you?"

Dante's eyes widened at the sight of the weapon. "Hey, watch where you're pointing that thing!"

"I am."

"Oh. Right then. Well. You know squirrels, right? Okay. And you know how they mobilize into efficient strike teams to paralyze our communications network?"

Quizzical stares.

"They chew on the computer cables!"

More stares.

Kenta scratched his head. "I frequently worry about your mental health."

"Don't worry, be happy. La la la la la la la!"

"There, that's precisely what I'm talking about."

Saori tightened her grip on the crossbow. "What squirrels!"

Dante looked around, nervous. "They were my sister's squirrels. She bought them from a scientist who didn't want them anymore. And they're super-intelligent now from all these experimental drugs! They keep escaping from their cage and wreaking havoc on the wiring!"

Saori was unfazed. "Uh-huh."

"We have to get out of here," Dante said, visibly shaking. "It's not safe! If they cut the power we'll be alone! In the dark! With squirrels! GET OUT! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!" And with that he passed out.

Cue the awkward moment of silence. Finally Kenta said, "Should—shouldn't we help him?"

"What a stupid question," Saori said. "Of _course_ we should help him." She didn't move.

A moment passed. "Um…"

"Ethics are for losers. Let's get something to eat."

Kenta obediently followed Saori upstairs for a raid on Dante's refrigerator.

* * *

The next morning, with Saori suspended and Dante still unconscious, Kenta was the only one to attend school. His classes were blissfully sane, and he got some useful work done with Normal Guy Jim.

But none of that is entertaining, so we'll move along now.

As coincidence would have it, Dante awoke at the exact same time that Kenta arrived in the basement by falling down the stairs. They went to the computer, where Saori had been furiously playing Thief all day.

"This error came from HELL!" she said as they sat down. "BACK TO HELL WITH YOU!!"

Dante complacently propped his head on his hands. "So…how was your day?"

Saori turned to face him. "I'd been playing all day until the computer froze and I had to reboot and I got the demon-spawned error so I lost the saved game you FOOL!"

"That's nice. I would tell you how mine went, but somehow I can't remember…"

"RAAAAAHHHHH" was all Saori could say as she stormed around the basement like Godzilla on steroids.

Eventually the Incredible Hulk calmed down, and they resumed playing the game. From the very beginning, thanks to the you-know-what. By this time, the trio had gained a remarkable cohesion, efficiently slaughtering and/or evading every guard in their path. They could communicate without words, act without hesitation, shake without stirring. Or something like that. The point is (yeah, like there's a point!), they could get a lot of stuff done relatively quickly. They breezed through a handful of levels before Dante and Kenta succumbed to sleepiness.

When they awoke in the morning, Saori was still playing. They went over to see what was going on when disaster struck! Suddenly! With a vengeance! It was dramatic!

Oh. Anyway, what happened was that Kenta tripped over the computer's power cord, unplugging it. Dante, fearing for Kenta's life, pulled the clumsy boy upstairs like a cheetah dragging a dead gazelle.

When they returned in the afternoon, Saori no longer felt a strong need to kill them. As they joined her in front of the computer, the movie depicting Garrett's first meeting with Constantine began.

_"My name is_…_Constan—"_

Saori looked thoughtful. "I never noticed before, but Garrett's kinda cute."

Both boys turned to look at her.

_"Viktoria and I are old—"_

"Eyes forward!"

They snapped their attention back to the screen.

"I don't know about Garrett," Dante said, "but Viktoria is mighty hot."

"No argument there," Saori said.

_"It is a gemstone called the eye—"_

Both boys stared at her, their identical expressions a mixture of incredulity and amazement.

"Do you want me to kill you? I swear I'll do it."

_"Who dares interrupt me?! Fear me, for I am Constan—"_

Dante looked deeply serious. He put a hand on Saori's shoulder. "I don't doubt it for a second. That's the kind of friend you are."

"Remove your hand now."

He yanked his hand away with the zippiness of a hummingbird on speed. "Forgive me?"

"Never."

"Shall we continue?" Kenta asked, choosing to ignore the unpleasantness that had transpired.

"Affirmative," Saori said, getting back to business.

And the three played on. They were exploring new territory, seeking new life, and boldly going where no one had gone before! That is, they were playing levels that they had never reached before. Their progress was slow, and they had only finished a few more levels.

It was a dark and stormy—wait, I said that already. Oh well, it _was_ dark and stormy. Soon, the sounds of the impending storm managed to penetrate the sphere of isolation erected around the basement.

"Perhaps we should terminate the game and disengage the computer until the storm passes," Kenta said.

"We can't stop! We'd get the error, that piece of #%&* ^$@!…" At this point, her speech deteriorated into something utterly profane, yet thankfully unintelligible.

As the author's wishes would have it, a squirrel (a normal one, not super-intelligent!) decided to take shelter from the storm in the transformer. It then decided to eat the transformer, something that, in retrospect, was not such a good idea. Its frail squirrel body was electrocuted, and all power to Dante's house was swiftly cut off.

To say Saori was pissed would be a gross understatement. Her rage was overshadowed only by the fury of the storm itself, and just barely at that.

Dante and Kenta sat in the bathroom, having locked themselves away from Saori, a.k.a. "The Raging Volcano." Dante occupied himself by making UFOs on the ceiling with his flashlight. Kenta hugged his knees close to his chest. "How long do you anticipate the power being unavailable?"

Dante shone the light into the mirror, blinding himself. "OW! Oh, um, I dunno. Last time we had a big storm like this, we didn't get power back for a couple _days_. My eyes…" he moaned, seeing white spots dance across his view.

"Quite frightful."

Dante rightfully intuited that Kenta was referring to the scary prospect of Saori being denied Thief for several days. "Quite," he echoed.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Please review :)

Lookie lookie! I'm not just rambling!! There's actual story here!!! Party at my house!!!!

I may have strayed from reality just a little in this chapter…but the squirrel in the transformer thing really did happen. They are Evil.

^__^


	8. In the Garden of Evil

By noon the next day, the power company had successfully extricated the charred squirrel body from the transformer. Saori spent the day playing Thief and writing a manifesto against squirrels. Dante and Kenta, after barely surviving their final detention, returned to the basement.

"How goes the thieving?" Kenta asked.

"Motor control failing…vision blurring…life support failure imminent…" Saori mumbled.

"I beg your pardon?"

Dante draped an arm around Kenta's satiny shoulders. "You see, as much as she'd like you to believe otherwise, our gal-pal Saori is not invincible. Staying awake in a basement for _three days_ will knock out anyone."

"Do you mean to say that she has remained here for three consecutive days?" Kenta said, disbelieving. He turned to Saori. "But you require rest, sustenance—"

"And a shower," Dante added helpfully.

"Remind me to kill you later," Saori said before passing out. Her forehead landed on the keyboard, making the number 666 appear coincidentally, or maybe prophetically, on the screen.

* * *

Twelve hours and a shower later, Saori, joined by Dante and Kenta (and Jim, but who cares?), returned to school. Our story continues at their mandatory counseling session, moderated by none other than the friendly counselor who used to be a kindergarten teacher, Miss Lili.

"Please sit down. I want you to feel at home here," Miss Lili said, beaming brightly at the four students as they entered the conference room. "Before we begin, let's make some rules! These will help our little talk be good! The most important rule is that we are all 'special' and wonderful human beings, so why don't you give yourself a pat on the back, okay?"

"Ooh boy," Dante murmured, slouching down in his chair.

"Sit up straight, Dante! We don't want our backs to ache, do we? That's right! Now, this room is what I call the 'respect zone,' " she said, making quotation marks with her fingers. "That means that we need to listen to what other people say, okay?" she asked, looking at each person in turn and smiling. "We also need to be on our best behavior and use our indoor voices! We're in a place of _learning_," she said, just in case anyone had developed amnesia in the last five minutes.

By this time, Dante and Jim had slipped into a comatose state. Kenta was as complacent as ever. Saori, remarkably composed, asked permission to go to the bathroom.

"Of course, dear!" Miss Lili said, smiling cheerily. "We'll wait for you!"

Saori very calmly walked out of the room. Then she began to sprint.

Unaware of the horrendous fate soon to befall her, Miss Lili smiled at the delinquents—I mean, misguided youths—sitting around the table. "Hey, I know! Let's sing a song while we're waiting for our friend to come back! I know a good song! Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're togeth—"

THUD. Miss Lili's head hit the table.

Dante and Jim looked up. Saori was standing outside the window, holding something that looked suspiciously like a tranquilizer gun.

"Holy shit! What did you do?!" Jim asked, jumping up.

"It would appear that she has incapacitated the counselor," Kenta said.

"Oh, I've done _more_ than that!" Saori said, climbing inside. "That dart was full of—"

"Gah!" Dante said, covering Kenta's ears. "Ix-nay on the oison-pay!"

"It's time to go," Saori announced, resting the gun on her shoulder. "Out the window. I've got the getaway vehicle ready."

Dante peered outside the window. "Holy flying monkeys, Dorothy! The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile???!!!"

Saori slapped him upside the head. "Idiot, the car next to it!"

"Oh."

"Hey, I'm not leaving any witnesses!" she said, leveling the gun at Jim. "C'mon, let's take a little ride."

Jim, now convinced that his classmates were junior members of the Mafia, climbed out the window. Kenta and Saori followed.

Dante, who was already outside, had somehow managed to climb on top of the Weinermobile and was now singing at the top of his lungs. "Oh, I WISH I were an Oscar Mayer WEI-NER! That is what I'd truly like to BEEEE!"

"GET DOWN HERE!" Saori yelled at him. "Don't MAKE me come UP there!"

And before you can say cameleopardheffalumpopotamus, Dante was back on the ground. "I drive, I drive!" he said, the continuous implied threats on his life apparently not cramping his style.

"Like HELL you do," Saori said, yanking him away from the driver's seat. She handed the keys to Kenta. "Kenta drives."

"I am getting OUT of here," Jim said, foolishly thinking he could escape.

Saori blocked his path. "Hey, we're not in the 'respect zone' anymore. Do you _want_ to ride in the trunk?"

"No ma'am."

"You keep thinking that." She turned away. Normal Guy Jim, who may have to be renamed Dumb Guy Jim if this keeps up, tried to make a break for it. She immediately used the Vulcan nerve pinch on him, making him collapse like a sack full of collapsible stuff. "Into the trunk with you!" she said, heaving Jim's carcass into the trunk and slamming the lid.

"The aft storage compartment of this motor vehicle does not provide ample ventilation for a human," Kenta said.

"Oh, FINE," Saori said, sighing heavily. "If I make some air holes, will you be happy?!" When Kenta nodded assent, she shot several rounds into the trunk.

"YIPPEE!" Dante said, clapping his hands.

"Let's GO already."

They got into the car, Saori riding shotgun and Dante stretched out in the back. As Kenta pulled out of the lot, Dante pumped his arms and shouted, "Road trip, WOO!"

And so began the road trip to end all road trips, or maybe just some of them. The first two hours were surprisingly calm. Kenta was a very careful driver, and Saori spent most of the time proofreading her squirrel manifesto. Dante thought he heard thumping noises coming from the trunk, but dismissed them as his imagination.

The next two hours were pure hell.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Jim has a potty mouth. Shame on him.

Isn't Miss Lili just your absolutely favorite character now?? She sure is MINE, heh heh! (it's been a long day…)

Hmm, I seem to be straying further from reality with each chapter. *shrugs* It's all good.

Does anyone know why Saori let Kenta drive? Cause I sure don't. Clueless author + lack of reality = good story!

Oh…and about Kenta's satiny shoulders…I swear, that wasn't my idea…


End file.
